Team Alpha 375

"My mother could make anybody feel guilty -- she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know."
-- Joan Rivers

Not Guilty
By Elle Swan

For over a decade, I had prayed for the moment that was finally here. And there was only one thing that could steal it from me. It robs parents who live with their children every day and it can especially rob working moms. What would he think? What would I say? Could I recognize him through the sea of strangers... through the storm of emotions swirling within me? No sunglasses today. No glam. Soul open. Heart pounding. It was time to face him, one to one, eye-to- eye. Through my tears and the airport window I could see the plane approach the gate. At any moment, my 15 year old son would walk through that tunnel. For the first time in his life he was coming to visit. And I knew I would have to rise above all Guilt.

Guilt is a paralyzing emotion. It steals our potential for success personally and professionally. As a International Public Speaker and Life Coach I have witnessed the detrimental effects that ravish individual lives as well as families. As a young woman seeking to make sense of the world in my early 20s, when I gave birth to my son, I witnessed the joy drain out of me the day I lost custody due to alcohol addiction. Guilt replaced that joy for many years. I know I am not the only woman who has needed to climb out from under the kind of self-destruction that led to losing my only child. Women like me live in silence and struggle to negotiate through our specific version of guilt... believing that there is nothing worse than being an absent mom.

Ironically, this same belief plagues mothers who simply have to work, sometimes long, hard hours, in order to provide for their children. I have learned and now teach, that in either case; guilt hijacks the life you and I both have the right to live. If we are to create what we want we really need to re-think the usefulness of guilt.

The agony of being absent is as personal as each mother's relationship with her child. In my case, it showed up in the form of being 3,000 miles away. For another mother it shows up as dropping her newborn off at a daycare for eight plus hours a day. Some working moms feel even guiltier when they arrive home with extra work that makes them too busy to spend time with their children. As a result of the expectations of society, and even the portrayals of working mothers in the media, the feelings of guilt become even stronger.

I believe all mothers dream of having a work-at-home situation that will allow them to provide for and spend time with their children. Unfortunately, these situations can take some time to create. I know this from personal experience and with all the negativity out there, it can be difficult to move pass guilty feelings. However, there is research, for working mothers, which can help them transcend those emotions and focus on creating that exact situation.

The University of Texas conducted a study that I find helpful in working to design a better life for your family without guilt. They found that there is no solid evidence out there to show that children of working mothers experience emotional harm from being away from their mothers.

The researchers also found that:

• Infant development is not delayed when a mother works outside the home.
  
  
• A mother's personality, including their beliefs and the quality of their parenting was more important than the amount of time spent with their child.
  
  
• Working mothers spent less time on household chores and leisure activities so they could connect with their children.
  
  
• Working mothers spent more time with their children on days off.

There were no differences in social behavior, cognitive ability and language development whether mothers stayed at home or worked.

I am a what I call "a different kind of mom." I had to redefine the term "mom" in order to live in a place that would ultimately leave me and my son empowered. We would not have developed the self-esteem necessary to stand tall in this world if I felt sorry for us, and drowned in the guilt.

Here are three ways to handle guilt that can work for all mothers, near or far:

1. Develop & trust your judgment - Not trusting your judgment feels like you are moving forward and backwards at the same time. Make it a habit to take some action every day that demonstrates your commitment to getting better. For example, some days, I sent cards. Some days I called. Some days, I looked at his photo and prayed. The point is that action breeds success. It's not about perfection. It's about improving your ability to trust that gives you the ability to create the life you want.

2. Be honest with your children - Tell your children the truth about your successes as well as your struggles. In some ways my situation forced me to have to explain my mistakes many times prior to his visit. But, I have seen honesty work in amazing ways in the lives of my clients with less extreme circumstances. Honesty works because it helps our sons and daughters deal with their own imperfections in a more realistic manner. Trying to be a perfect parent is an equation for disaster. Children will learn much more by what you do when it matches what you say.

3. Have a parental vision for yourself - Make a decision about the type of parent you want to be. Use every action from that point forward to affirm your decision. Businesses use vision statements all the time so that when tough situations arise they can measure their actions against their larger values. For example, I knew we were apart but I decided that I would never use the distance as an excuse to ignore that I was his mom. My vision was to get my life on track and become a better person so we could be together again. The internal conflict that you feel as a parent is often the result of not having or following a parental vision. As long as you have a vision to follow, your guilt will be minimized if it is present at all.