"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but
paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither
can we find love or joy"
~ Walter Anderson
paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither
can we find love or joy"
~ Walter Anderson
The Secrets to Building Trust Through Communication
By Gigi Sage
In 1987, my former partner and I had started an international business teaching seminars in communication and leadership skills. We worked hand in hand, had exciting ideas and were extremely productive together. But time and again, out of the blue, we would start fighting about some petty issue and get knocked off track.
I don't like conflict and so I couldn't stay mad for a very long but often, in those moments I would react and think it's not fair! Why do I always have to take the first step and make things work in our relationship? He (my partner) should see things aren't working. He should try harder and realize when he is wrong and then apologize. Even though I had these strong feelings, I was also frustrated and tired of having things not work between us. One day, while we were in the middle of an intense argument, I remembered a question my partner had once asked a client in a seminar:
Would you rather be right or get what you want?
That was it! Here were two people who believed they were right, and were getting in each other's way. I stepped back from being caught up in the argument and began to observe our heated conversations. I was shocked when I realized the price we were paying for our fights.
First, we lost trust and then intimacy. After a few days we barely enjoyed our work, our vitality diminished, our family unit was broken. Also, our normal productivity level decreased, which cost us time and money.
Arguments decrease our happiness, trust, intimacy, time and money.
It couldn't go on like this! When discussing our different viewpoints didn't work, what could? I decided to observe our interaction objectively the next time a conflict arose. I didn't have to wait long. The next morning, he told me--as he had done so many times before--about a new business idea. In my eyes, he is--one of the most brilliant thinkers of our time. Even so, in such moments, I could only see the ways in which something could go wrong with his ideas, so I interfered and pointed them out to him. I had barely finished my sentence when he interrupted me and argued the opposite point. I was fairly angry, at this point. Why didn't he see I meant well? I only wanted to suggest a few things that would help each of us make fewer mistakes!
Doubts don't support. Doubts separate.
What did I achieve by this? Moments ago, he had been full of enthusiasm. Now, his enthusiasm was crushed, and his face looked tense. I put myself in his situation for a moment. I saw he wasn't fighting against me; he was simply defending his idea. I now understood I was being everything but supportive. Initially, he was creative, cooperative and in a good mood. But then my doubts pulled him down. He was now confrontational and did not trust me. Once I had done the damage, how could I turn this around? To really support him, I had to stop being overly critical and start acting as a coach would: inspired and professional. My profession was coaching, so I asked myself a question I usually reserved for my clients:
What result do you want?
The answer was clear: "I want trust, pleasure, integrity, family, fun, and prosperity." How could I ease the tension that had grown between us? I decided to take the first step because I was ready to have things work. I was tired of being right and not getting what I wanted in my relationship.
You can imagine how difficult it was to swallow my pride and make this move. But after I took the first step, everything seemed to work out on its own. I leaned back, relaxed and asked my partner to describe his idea to me once more. This time, I was really curious. (I had set my objections aside for a while.) I was curious and interested--and when I did sense any resistance within myself, I stopped myself from interrupting him. Lo and behold, he became energized again! His enthusiasm returned. We had reconnected. By the way, he decided not to follow through on this particular idea. It was such a relief that we had not wasted our time fighting about something that never happened. I finally understood how it worked: His creativity worked better when he could think out loud about his ideas. From that point on, I was careful to not interfere with his thinking process.
I stayed professional and didn't react emotionally, no matter what happened. Of course, this took practice, but I started to catch myself and self-correct when I wanted to fight. Sometimes, when he was irritated and needed to let off steam, he simply wanted to talk. When I noticed he was under pressure, I would let him talk. I would then ask him a question about something I know he enjoyed doing. Or, I would peacefully withdraw from the moment: "I have to prepare for training. Can we talk about this tonight?" Most of the time, the issue was resolved by then, and he was feeling calm by the time we next spoke. I began trying different things to see what worked in all kinds of situations.
If I had something to discuss I would try to wait and bring it up when he was relaxed and curious. I started to notice how choosing the right time was very important in having successful conversations. In the past, I would have wanted to speak with him when he got home from work or late at night, when we were both tired. Now, I started to notice the times when we were strong and open with each other. We were often very connected during our lunch break, when we were training together. These were the times when I started to share my thoughts about his ideas: "I was thinking about our discussion earlier and had some ideas to share with you. Is now a good time?"
Even though it was difficult, I practiced not being invested in the outcome and what he did or did not do with this information. Sometimes, he listened to me; sometimes he didn't. The difference was, I didn't take it personally anymore.
Gradually, a new trust developed between us. He started asking for my thoughts and ideas about all of his decisions. In return, I simply explained what I observed without feeling invested in the results of his decisions. I was no longer attached to wanting to be right. In the long run, it had cost me so much more to be unhappy with him. As long as I interfered, I was the problem-- which only caused me to be angry and stressed.
Now, he made his own decisions, and he alone was responsible for his actions. We all learn best from making our own mistakes. In the past, I had often felt he didn't listen to me or respect my advice. My new attitude was: "OK, you want to do that? These are the things I see. Whatever you do, I support you."
When a person realizes he or she needn't fear criticism from you, they will slowly give up their defensiveness and open up.
After two months, my partner began clearly asking me for my vision and feedback, and he took what I told him seriously. Our connection became unbelievably productive because he had experienced my acceptance of his ideas and creativity, and I had listened without criticizing him. As a result, he began to listen to me, too. Our trust in each other grew. I coached him, and he coached me.
He learned from me how to recognize when it was better to hold back instead of dashing forward. I learned from him how to put aside my tendency to try to take care of everything (and meddle with everything!), and to concentrate instead on what's important. He learned to be welcoming; I learned to act goal-oriented and to stay relaxed while doing so. Within a year, our sales tripled, we started a band with our children, our network grew, and our lifestyle became more fun and focused.
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